The Worst Fic Ever
by Mika Saigo
Summary: Got 3rd place in the AnimeFest Fanfic Contest. I tried to break as many "rules" of good fic writing as I could. Consequently, it turned out pretty funny. The Battle of the Bishounen vs. the Indestructible Mary Sue. Enjoy!


Worst Fic Ever 

And in a terrific flash of light, she was born. A hideous creature, with golden locks that flowed like waterfalls and eyes so blue and deep one could drown in them. Her smile was devastating; able to render hordes of men helpless with a single twitch at the corners of her mouth. Not a thread was out of place on her perfectly fashionable outfit. 

She smiled kindly and it was a terrible thing indeed. She had taken on many forms throughout the years. Always flawless, always perfect and pristine. It made her job so much easier that way. Stealing away the hearts of beautiful men everywhere. Taking them from the ones they thought they loved. Among the females, her name was spoken in hushed tones, always with backward glances and a nervous look. Her name was legendary. Her name inspired terror in the hearts of those who knew her for what she was. Her name was Mary Sue.

* * * * *  
Something had to be done. As quickly as possible, the powers that be guided the most vulnerable and likely to be targeted characters to a highly secret base of operations, hidden away in the most dubious of places, one where they would never be spotted, the enigmatical Hall of Justice.

"How'd we get this place anyway?" Sanosuke pounded his fist on the table before him. "I thought some OTHER group of animated characters always used this place."

Kenshin looked worriedly at the large crack Sano's fist had left in the table, "They're conveniently on vacation for the weekend, that they are."

"This is ridiculous! You expect us to believe that this Mary Sue person is so captivating that she'll take us, the main characters of our respective anime, away from our true loves?" Tamahome was the first to object, "that's just not possible! The love Miaka and I share transcends time and space! No one can ever tear us apart!"

"Shut up! Shut up!" Tasuki shouted at his comrade, "you don't know! You haven't seen her... those eyes... They still haunt me..." he shook his fist as tears of righteous justice flowed freely down his cheeks, "she's a monster! She'll come for you! Curse you rabid fangirls! Curse you all!"

Hotohori slapped him hard across the face, "you hardly have room to complain." With a majestic flip of his hair, he continued, "you're not even close to being the most beautiful one. I have encountered this Mary Sue' person far more than you ever will Fang Boy."

"Just stop it all of you!" Yue cleared the air with a single flap of his magnificent wings. "This is no joke. The threat is real and if we don't stop it now, it'll be the end of all of us..."

Syaoran Li made a face, "I thought you didn't really even like women all that much Yue..."

Yue gave him a cold stare, "that's beside the point, but it just goes to show you how powerful this Mary Sue is."

"So you want us to save the world again?" Goku, in his bright orange battle gear and unbelievably spiky hair interrupted. His smile was broad and somewhat goofy, but he looked quite capable of fulfilling his word. The rest of the "Z Warriors" stood nearby.

Allen Schezar sighed and rose slowly from his seat, "how did you guys get in here? This is a meeting of beautiful anime men. You clearly don't fit in that category."

Goku blinked a few times and looked about, a confused expression on his face. He whispered over to Vegeta, "I'm not sure but I think that guy just said we weren't pretty enough to come to save the world..."

Vegeta set his jaw firmly, "I could care less what they think, bunch of pansies..." he muttered just loud enough to be heard as he tromped out of the Hall of Justice. 

Goku looked blankly around and then motioned for the other Z warriors to follow, "I... um... guess we'll be going then..." He grabbed the squirming Future Trunks by the collar as he went, "come on Trunks."

"B-but I'm a beautiful anime man! I can help! Just give me a chance! I-"

Two large double doors closed behind them with a loud, echoing bang. Another voice rose in the crowd, "Let's just sneak up behind her and chop er head off!" Inuyasha stepped forward, swinging a large, heavy-looking sword and appeared to fully back up his words. A darkly clad monk, however, intervened.

"Quit acting like an idiot Inuyasha, we couldn't do that! After all, she IS a woman," Miroku stated with a quick swing of his staff and a clang as it knocked his demon friend in the back of the head.

"So... We can't harm her directly... that'd be mean... what can we do?" Tsuzuki consoled himself in a corner with a cupcake and few other angels of death standing nearby nodded in agreement. 

"I've got a new invention, I've just been dying to test!" Watari piped up, holding a strange looking mechanism. A small owl perched on his shoulder had to flap it's wings a few times to maintain it's balance. "I'm still perfecting it, but once it's finished it should be able to change men into women. We could see things from their point of view and-"

Ranma cut him off, "hey, it's been done to death already. We don't need any more of that kinda crap!" The others around him nodded and Ranma could swear he heard one of them mutter, "at least you don't turn into a duck..."

"Wouldn't the easiest route be to have females accomplish this mission?" Heero queried from his seat among other gundam pilots. "Females seem to have no weakness to this Mary Sue and therefore would be best suited to combat her."

"Did someone call for beautiful young girls to save the world?" The doors once again swung open, revealing several young women in short skirted sailor outfits. "In the name of Love and Justice, we will right wrongs and triumph over evil! We are-"

"Oh, for the love of-" Duo Maxwell cut her off, "Haven't you empty-headed teeny boppers crossed over into enough fanfics?!"

The lead girl, the one with the longest, strangest, and most bleach-bottle blonde hair of the bunch, looked as if she might cry. "B-but..."

"ooh, give the poor young ladies a chance!" Saionji cooed smoothly, while winking at the collective group of sailor uniform clad females. He smirked as a few of them swooned.

Touga rolled his eyes and shook his head, "not going to happen. I'm not entrusting my future to a group of silly little girls that get weak in the knees when they see a pretty face." He frowned, mulling the thought over in his mind, "we need girls who aren't going to back down to anyone."

The sullen troop of sailors acknowledged their defeat and slowly walked from the room. Touga continued, "we need the best of the best. I nominate Miss Tenjou Utena to lead the company of female soldiers."

A chorus of male voices rose into the air, shouting various nominations:

"Lina Inverse! She's gotta be one of the most fiery, hot tempered women in the ani-verse!"

"I nominate Miss Relena Peacecraft! She was Queen of the World, I think she can handle some Mary Sue chick..."

"I'd like to nominate Miss Kaoru, that I would. She's the only person I'm actually... afraid of... that I am..."

"Don't forget Ed! The space cowgirl!"

"Feh! Kagome and Sango could kick any normal girl's butt! Send them!"

"Well," sighed Yue, who seemed to be acting as keeper of the peace between the arguing bishounen, "I guess we've no choice but to leave it to them. I only hope they can all cooperate long enough to stop her."

* * * * *

"So... how did we get roped into this again?" Lina whined as the group of women trudged through the deep forests of the ani-verse.

"Shush! We want the element of surprise, don't we?" Utena hissed, swinging her sword impatiently at her side. "I told you already, this Mary Sue person could endanger the well being of beautiful men everywhere! You don't want to be single forever because of some rabid fangirl author out there, do you!? Didn't think so. Now, be careful, this Mary Sue has been said to take many forms and even sucked some female characters in, making them her..." Utena swallowed hard, "best friends."

Kagome looked puzzled, "but it sounds like she must be a very nice person for everyone to like her like that."

Sango nodded, "that's just it, she's too perfect. No one else can compete!"

Relena sniffed and gave an airy flip of her hair, "As if I didn't know what that's like. You try to be the nice one' in your anime and resolve things peacefully and all the fangirls hate you. You wouldn't believe how many anti-relena' sites I've run into..."

Ed smiled and pulled her laptop out, sitting cross-legged on the ground, "Ed found exactly 1,297 sites out on the netty etty that don't like releeny weenie!"

Kaoru yawned and rolled her eyes, "a touching story, I'm sure. Now where is this Mary Sue?"

On perfect cue(are you kidding? Mary Sue does EVERYTHING perfectly), in a great flash of light and special effects, Mary Sue made her entrance. She flashed them all a friendly smile and look of soft concern.

"You all seem lost. Can I help you find your way?" she asked innocently.

"Ah!!! My cornea's are burning!" Lina rubbed her eyes furiously, then paused a moment, "wait... no... just got some dust in my eye..."

Tenjou Utena stepped forward, the point of the Sword of Dios aimed directly at Mary Sue's heart. "We are not lost, we've just found exactly what we were looking for! Your time stealing away the hearts of bishounen is over!"

Mary Sue smirked and Utena staggered back a step, "Ah... so that's how we're going to play it..."

Lina stood her ground, "Don't you realize that by existing in fanfiction you show no respect for the original author's work? You want only to satisfy yourself!"

Mary Sue scowled, "of course I respect the original authors!"

Relena shook her head, "writing yourself into the timeline? Making other people act completely out of character? That's your idea of respect?! You're no better than those rabid yaoi fangirls, who'll pair up any two guys who even look at one another!"

Mary Sue sniffled, "you don't like yaoi?"

Kaoru looked disgusted, "Never! Prepare yourself Mary Sue! Your days of writing yourself into fics are over!"

"Never! You can't stop me! I'm the one in control here!" she roared, blasting the girls backward.

Ed smiled as she bounced along, "oooh Ed Ed found something!"

"Not now Ed! Can't you help us fight!?" Utena yelled her frustration as she went in for a strike, only to be blown backward by the immense power of Mary Sue.

"Ed can help!" she giggled as she typed away at her laptop.

Sango, Kagome, and Kaoru drew their weapons as Relena tried to talk them all into making negotiations and peacetalks. Nothing was working, nothing could stand before the perfect, immovable might of Mary Sue. 

"Yay! Ed did it!" All faces turned to the short haired young computer geek, flailing her limbs about in a gleeful dance. 

"What... did you do Ed?"

"Ed found Mary Sue's computer! All her data going bye bye!" Ed laughed continued swaying about.

Mary Sue paused on her destructive rampage, "what?! What are you talking about Ed?!"

"Ooh lots of files on Mary Sue's computer... ready, set, and format!" Ed hit a few keys and-

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